Four Months in Chiang Mai: Growing Pains
Four months living in Thailand! I’m building a strong foundation in Chiang Mai. My friends here have become family and I feel so grateful to have them. My experience would be so different, so much lonelier, if I did not have them. I go to yoga once a week, see live music with friends every Thursday, and life is good. I have a daily routine, I’m finally getting into the groove of teaching, and I love the lifestyle that Chiang Mai offers. But I still struggled a lot this month.
As I wrote in my journal last week, Thailand and I are no longer in our honeymoon phase. I’m seeing all of her flaws, the real her, no travel adrenaline or rose colored glasses to shield me from her core self. And yes, I still love her. But I’m realizing that as I grow and evolve and mature out here, I’m dealing with growing pains. Pain of looking at my friends back home, current technology and social media so accessible that I almost feel as if I’m right there with them. Feeling a disconnect of the new self that is forming versus the old person that I used to be.
I struggled this month. I was in a funk for a few weeks, and I think it was because I was holding on too close to my old self. I was struggling to let go of her. But, with the help of friends and routines and time, I emerged from the funk mentally stronger and more resilient.
Rainy season is in full swing. The sky will be bright blue one second, then starts violently pouring rain in the next breath. The rain is so angry, so violent, then leaves just as quickly as it came. It happens like this every day … it’s madness! But is it strange that I kinda like it? The rain is rejuvenating and calming to listen to from my apartment. And it helps cool down the crazy heat …
I started volunteering at a dog shelter a few months ago and I want to talk about it. A group of expats banded together to help take care of street ‘soi’ dogs that live on the grounds of a cemetary a little outside the old city of Chiang Mai. I go every Sunday and give the dogs their medicine, refill their waters, give them treats and love. There’s a family who live there who takes care of the dogs when the volunteers aren’t there. This family is extremely poor. They live in a shack, barely sheltered from the harsh rainy season by torn tarps and garbage. There’s a chubby little Thai boy named Nong Tin who helps me refill the waters every time I go. He is so smiley and cute, and I love seeing him every week. His smile against the backdrop of their living situation puts things in perspective.
I don’t often see poverty firsthand, but it is devestating. So utterly devestating. And it exists everywhere. I’ve thought a lot about my privilege since moving to Thailand. How the US dollar towers over the Thai baht. How where you were born affects everything. How I want to help people in my life. It wakes you up to the world outside your little bubble, and the purpose of life (deep, I know). But it just reminded me of how much I want to help people. I’ve been distracted by the deafening questions of my ‘future’ and my own life and career and relationships, but it’s not about that. Getting back to my core values, what I truly want to do in my life, is like a bucket of cold ice water splashing me awake.
Now a little update on teaching. It takes so much out of you physically and mentally. Everyday, all day, you give away your time, your energy, your love, to children who (sometimes) drive you insane. But there are moments that make it worth it.
One of those moments happened last Friday. It was one of my shy kid’s birthdays. One thing about me is that I love celebrating people’s birthdays, so I made it a whole deal and sang Happy Birthday to him and let him pick a prize out of the bin. Later that class, the kids were completing a writing assignment and he came up to me and turned his in. On it said “this is the happiest day ever.” Mind you, this child does not speak in class. His English isn’t very good, and yes he probably used GoogleTranslate to write that, BUT STILL. My heart burst and I felt such joy. Little moments like that make teaching worth it.
I almost forgot … I didn’t travel much in August but I did go to Bangkok for a long weekend. I finally visited the motherland! It was crazy, yes, but also so much fun. I went with my friend Robin who lived in Bangkok for a year, so having her as my guide was amazing. The highlight of the trip was a boat tour of the city at night. SO much fun! Oooo also, I used my credit card points to book a 5 star hotel in Bangkok so that definitely heightened the experience 🙂
4 months in Thailand. The longest I’ve gone without seeing my family or friends back home. Being fully independent from everyone and everything is exhilarating, but also scary. A new version of myself is emerging, one that isn’t influenced by my hometown or family or friends who have known me since I was a child. Getting physical distance has allowed me to learn who I am on my own (cheesy, but true!) And I’m going to be honest, it has been painful. But I’m getting through it, and I think I’m a stronger person because of it. Once again, thank you for reading and I really do miss all of you back home. LOTS OF LOVE <33
xx Gracie
