One Month In …

I’ve been living in Chiang Mai for one month now, but it feels like six. So much has happened. I rented an apartment! I started my job teaching English! I’ve met people from all around the globe! I’ve started exploring the beautiful town of Chiang Mai! It’s all so glamorous, and then a strange reality descends. The adrenaline from the across-the-globe move fades. The dust settles. This is now my daily life. Brand new food, cultural norms, language, currency, clothing, transportation systems, climate, people. New everything. Starting over anywhere is difficult, but starting over 8,500 miles from your hometown, in a new continent you’ve never been, is VERY difficult. I am like a baby deer on ice, flailing about, trying to find balance. I feel like an idiot about 250 times a day. I’ve had to remember that I’m not stupid or incompetent, but everything is unfamiliar. I’m trying to give myself grace. It just makes me feel so DUMB when I do every simple task incorrectly. I had a panic attack at the grocery store the other day. This feeling of incompetence is a particular kind of torture for me, as I thrive on my independence and capableness.

For the first time, I am living in a place where I am a racial minority. I am a foreigner. You feel everyone’s eyes on you, judging. Not with malicious intent, but you stick out. Especially at my school of 7,000 children where there are only a handful of English teachers, I feel like a local celebrity every time I walk on campus. Everyone is SO kind, saying “Hello Teacher Gracie!” and giggling when I respond. But it’s exhausting. I’m one who likes to blend into a crowd. Being in the spotlight is wearing on me. You know what’s also wearing on me? THE HEAT. My God, I’ve never felt anything like it. I feel like crawling out of my own body. Intense heat makes me so irritable, so overwhelmed. It intensifies my other feelings of being overwhelmed, so much so that I start to get super anxious. People keep telling me that I will adjust to the climate (namely me, I am said people) but I’m not so sure.

The Thai people are lovely. Always smiling and making jokes. I was told that there are two things the Thai people are constantly thinking about: food & fun. My kind of philosophy! The Chiang Mai cuisine is next-level. Fresh ingredients, delicious flavor combinations, cheap prices. My favorite dishes so far are Khao Soi (Northern Thai coconut curry with noodles and chicken), Pad See Ew (stir-fried noodles), Kai Jiao (omelet with vegetables and spices over rice), and Pad Thai with tofu. Oh and for dessert, mango sticky rice with coconut milk. AMAZING.

My Thai Co-Teachers, security at my apartment building, restaurant owners, people who work at massage parlors, everyone on the freaking street, have been immensely kind to me. Myself and my female co-workers agree that we feel incredibly safe in Chiang Mai. That is one of the many reasons why I love this city, and why it is a wonderful place to settle and live. I feel grateful to have a good teaching job here. All of the research I put into this has paid off.

I love looking up and seeing the mountains. They make me feel grounded and bring a sense of peace, of stillness, into my cluttered brain. Mountains are my favorite natural wonder. I gaze at the way they overlap, marvel at how they look as the sun sets behind them. My apartment building has a beautiful rooftop, and I enjoy going to the roof and journaling as the sun sets. The mountains are glorious at this time of day. I feel grateful to be alive, to be living in Chiang Mai, during my sunset journal time.

I’ve recognized myself trying to cope, finding mechanisms where I feel distracted so I don’t have to think too deeply about the reality of what I’ve done. My hope is that as time passes, I will realize, without even trying, I have adapted. Moving to Thailand alone is the single hardest thing I have ever done. I am finding inner strength and resilience in myself that opens the world up even more. It has been only one month, I still have so much ahead. I am trying to live deliberately, and slowly, so as to immerse myself fully into this experience. Time will pass, as it always does, and I am so looking forward to the adventures that await me. Thank you, Chiang Mai, for welcoming me and seamlessly allowing me to build my life here.

Thank you for reading a blog full of my random thoughts. I hope this gives you a glimpse into the first month into my journey as an expat in Thailand. xx Gracie